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Mon Mar 16, 2015 2:56 pm by katey1801

» ~Nightgale~
Thu Feb 26, 2015 11:56 am by Niniami

» Timezones!
Mon Feb 09, 2015 6:21 pm by Niniami


~Nightgale~

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~Nightgale~

Post  katey1801 on Mon Feb 23, 2015 7:39 pm

“Fucking hell,” Annie gripped her sword and shield tightly. “How the fuck did you even piss this one off? She’s always so chilled out! Hell, half the time she’s asleep! She fucking hoards pillows for fucks sake. What did you do!?”

“I-I just, I…” Keith whimpered as they both ducked behind a rock to escape a blast of icy cold air. One blast of it without proper protection could freeze you into solid ice. He reached up and touched a few hairs on the top of his head that had been frozen. Instead of melting at his touch, the frozen hairs just snapped off, having been made brittle from the intense cold.

Keith tried not to look horrified at the icicles that had been strands of his hair just moments ago.  He looked at Annie and puffed up his chest, trying to look brave and manly despite the fact that he was close to peeing his pants. “I wanted to slay a dragon! I figured Nightgale here would be the easiest, since she's always asleep…”

“You fucking coward!” Annie groaned, grabbing him by the collar of the neck and slamming him against the rock, making it Keith yelp. “Give me one reason why I shouldn't just let Nightgale pick you off?” 

Keith gulped and racked his brain for some possible reason. “B-Because I did this in an attempt to earn your love?” 

Annie groaned, and seriously contemplated just leaving him to his doom. Keith had been a knight for as long as he lived, trained from infancy for this job. A squire, then a page, and finally, a knight. Annie hadn't a clue how he passed into knighthood- surely her mother knew better than to grant knighthood to such a chauvinistic coward? Is the kingdom letting anyone become a knight now? It pissed Annie off, especially since she had tried to get permission to train for knighthood ever since she was a toddler. “You're a princess,” they always said, “and a girl”. As if that explained everything. 

The only reason she was even still saving this guy’s ass was because, well, he secretly helped her take his place in countless fighting training sessions, while he went to her sorcery classes. Though the switch was a quite obvious one, they never got caught. Either nobody noticed, nobody cared, or everyone in the knighthood was just that fucking sick of Keith. 

Another icy blast snapped Annie out of her thoughts, and she looked at Keith, who seemed to be growing even more terrified by the moment- either of the dragon, or her. Either was fine. 

“Listen, give it a fucking rest. I'm not into you, I've told you countless times that I don't fall for men. Only reason I ain't let this dragon kill you yet is because I've grown rather fond of those training classes. Which reminds me, here.” She pulled a wand out of her robe and placed it in his shaking hands. She let him back down onto his feet, just as the Nightgale head-butted the rock, making it crumble into rubble.

“We have to move! Can't you put a damn sleep spell on the thing?” Annie took off running towards the cave entrance, not waiting for an answer.

Keith gave one anyway as he ran behind her, literally for dear life. “I don't know, this thing’s bigger than I expected! I’m not at a high enough level for such spells on such huge beasts!”

“Dammit! Fine! Just keep up with me here! We’re almost to the entrance!” 

As they made a dash for the entrance, the roar of the night dragon made Keith give a quick glance behind him. “Annie!”

Annie glanced back at the dragon as well. “Shit!” Without warning, she jerked him to her side and held him close. She quickly draped part of her cape over him, doing her best to cover his head since she didn't have a second hood for him. 

As if on cue, an icy blast of freezing air rushed passed them. They both shivered, but the cloak draped over the two of them protected them from freezing to death. The cloak was made for just these situations- dealing with ice-type Dragons. Keith, like the ignorant asshole he was, had forgotten to bring his own cloak.

Finally, the two burst out of the cave, and Annie pulled him to the side just as the Nightgale shot out of the cave. The dragon looked around a moment as she whizzed by, then, realizing her mistake, did her best to skid to a stop and turn around. Unfortunately, she overcorrected herself, and ended up toppling forward onto her back. 

"Now’s my chance!” Keith exclaimed, pulling out his sword, apparently the one thing he hadn't forgotten to bring with him.

“Oh hell no,” Annie knocked the sword out of his hands using her own, making him yelp in surprise. “Nightgale was perfectly peaceful until you came and pissed her off. She wasn't bothering anyone, and now she is just trying to defend herself and her hoard. You are not to harm her at all!”

Annie cautiously began to approach the creature, who was now trying to roll back onto its belly. Seeing Annie’s approach, Nightgale just moved more frantically, desperately wanting to defend herself. 

As Nightgale struggled under the night sky, Annie finally was able to see the dragon up close. Her scales were a dark blue- the exact same color as the midnight sky. As the creature moved, Annie could tell that about a third of the beautiful scales seemed to glitter in the moonlight with every movement. Annie gasped and stared at the Nightgale in awe of her beauty. “She’s… The exact color of the night sky… And many of her scales glitter in the moonlight, giving the illusion that she's part of the night sky filled with beautiful stars… It's beautiful…” Entranced, she reached out and touched one of the glimmering scales.

“Annie, get away from there!” Keith called out, but it was too late. 
Nightgale, finally having flipped over, had Annie in her mouth before Keith could even scream.
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Re: ~Nightgale~

Post  Niniami on Mon Feb 23, 2015 10:38 pm

How much feedback do you want?

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JROTC RESEARCH LINKS I DON'T WANT TO LOOSE

http://www.nctc.gov/site/groups/greek.html
Government website terrorist overview thingie

http://www.terrorism.com/2014/04/26/sect-of-revolutionaries/
SE Threat overview

http://fas.org/irp/world/para/17_nov.htm
Summary

http://kersplebedeb.com/posts/sect-of-revolutionaries-communique-from-greece/
SE explanation quote article

http://www.indymedia.org.uk/en/2009/09/437169.html?c=on
Quote research - forum discussion

http://www.state.gov/r/pa/prs/ps/2011/02/157060.htm
US State Government Declaration of International Terrorism Threat

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008_Greek_riots
2008 Greek Riot Research: causation: Cop kills 15 year old student

Syil Tiaki Jojo Leon

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Re: ~Nightgale~

Post  katey1801 on Mon Feb 23, 2015 10:43 pm

However much you feel might help, I guess?
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Re: ~Nightgale~

Post  Niniami on Mon Feb 23, 2015 10:46 pm

Im going to start off by letting you know plain and simple that this is entirely suggestions and you don't need to listen to them. I'm sorry beforehand if I sound rude of abrupt or too blunt ok? Please don't get mad at me and I'm sorry if I upset you with anything I say.

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Spoiler:


Spoiler:

JROTC RESEARCH LINKS I DON'T WANT TO LOOSE

http://www.nctc.gov/site/groups/greek.html
Government website terrorist overview thingie

http://www.terrorism.com/2014/04/26/sect-of-revolutionaries/
SE Threat overview

http://fas.org/irp/world/para/17_nov.htm
Summary

http://kersplebedeb.com/posts/sect-of-revolutionaries-communique-from-greece/
SE explanation quote article

http://www.indymedia.org.uk/en/2009/09/437169.html?c=on
Quote research - forum discussion

http://www.state.gov/r/pa/prs/ps/2011/02/157060.htm
US State Government Declaration of International Terrorism Threat

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008_Greek_riots
2008 Greek Riot Research: causation: Cop kills 15 year old student

Syil Tiaki Jojo Leon

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Re: ~Nightgale~

Post  Niniami on Mon Feb 23, 2015 10:46 pm

I am always terrified of giving feedback for writing - work in general but especially with writing

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Spoiler:


Spoiler:

JROTC RESEARCH LINKS I DON'T WANT TO LOOSE

http://www.nctc.gov/site/groups/greek.html
Government website terrorist overview thingie

http://www.terrorism.com/2014/04/26/sect-of-revolutionaries/
SE Threat overview

http://fas.org/irp/world/para/17_nov.htm
Summary

http://kersplebedeb.com/posts/sect-of-revolutionaries-communique-from-greece/
SE explanation quote article

http://www.indymedia.org.uk/en/2009/09/437169.html?c=on
Quote research - forum discussion

http://www.state.gov/r/pa/prs/ps/2011/02/157060.htm
US State Government Declaration of International Terrorism Threat

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008_Greek_riots
2008 Greek Riot Research: causation: Cop kills 15 year old student

Syil Tiaki Jojo Leon

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Niniami
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Re: ~Nightgale~

Post  katey1801 on Mon Feb 23, 2015 10:50 pm

Its ok feedback is feedback don't worry Smile

I know how you feel, I get all anxious giving feedback sometimes too
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Re: ~Nightgale~

Post  Niniami on Mon Feb 23, 2015 10:51 pm

Again all of this is completely my opinion and what I would do. It's all suggestion you don't need to go with any of it I'm sorry again if I said anything to bother you!

Ok so one of the things I learned from writing - and my aunt who went to collage for being an author: try not to say the same word twice in the same sentence. Watch your repetition. You said at one point something along the lines of "Either of Annie or the dragon. Either was fine" it sounds too similar to me. I'd say something alone the lines of "either annie or the dragon. Both options were fine with [some obvious adjective to describe annie]"

Also, you dropped the f bomb about six times in that. Three times in just the first paragraph. Though curses are ok in writing typically people only put them in if absolutely necessary- and not usually that often. This is just from my experience and constant ridicule from teachers. I'd be cautious about how many times you cuss in the descriptions too. Though it could be understandable, formal writing doesn't always call for that.

Another thing is that you said "pisses" or other forms of that in the whole thing quite often. I personally would avoid using slang too often and especially that particular word because it's very .... Well it's easy to see I suppose and it doesn't sound like most words so it sticks out and it's easy to notice when its said very often. It being slang also holds that.

Though in dialogue it's understandable to use slang and helps with rounding characters its not something that's usually used in descriptive bodies. They're words that are easy to misunderstand and could be misinterpreted by readers.

And the last thing is that with the dragon you went in to great description of what she looked like but then in the dialogue you turned around and said the same exact thing again but added a bit more to it. I'd either have the paragraph or what Annie said. Not both


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Spoiler:


Spoiler:

JROTC RESEARCH LINKS I DON'T WANT TO LOOSE

http://www.nctc.gov/site/groups/greek.html
Government website terrorist overview thingie

http://www.terrorism.com/2014/04/26/sect-of-revolutionaries/
SE Threat overview

http://fas.org/irp/world/para/17_nov.htm
Summary

http://kersplebedeb.com/posts/sect-of-revolutionaries-communique-from-greece/
SE explanation quote article

http://www.indymedia.org.uk/en/2009/09/437169.html?c=on
Quote research - forum discussion

http://www.state.gov/r/pa/prs/ps/2011/02/157060.htm
US State Government Declaration of International Terrorism Threat

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008_Greek_riots
2008 Greek Riot Research: causation: Cop kills 15 year old student

Syil Tiaki Jojo Leon

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Re: ~Nightgale~

Post  katey1801 on Thu Feb 26, 2015 11:48 am

I used "pissed" a lot? I don't see it?

I'll probably fix the "either" thing, you're rifht

As for the cussing, the character is extremely foul-mouthed. its in her character. As for the cussing in the descriptions, I'm debating on whether to keep it or not. I think I'm going for like, a very personal narration? Maybe I should try first person?

I'm definitely gonna fix he dragon's description repetition, thanks!

My teacher is super laid back and its a creative writing class (hell, she cusses in class) so I don't think the cussing will be too much of an issue?
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Re: ~Nightgale~

Post  Niniami on Thu Feb 26, 2015 11:56 am

Yes but even with the super close narration there are a few places where I personally don't think it's necessary to put the swears in there - it has nothing to do with being appropriate in class it's just the structure in general. A lot of times (this is from what I have been told by my teachers and the college professor who was teaching the night class) it's frowned upon to use it more times than necessary - you can make the character come across as foul mouthed without putting the curse words in the description. Or at least to use a different variation than just the f bomb because it is considered an incredibly foul word even for a cuss

Well you like I said you didn't use it all that often but you used it a lot for that slang term in general because it's so - it has such a specific sound and it's easy to recognize. I know there was one paragraph where you used it twice.

Again these are just suggestion and you don't need to follow them at all I'm sorry if I upset you at all I'm not intentionally doing so

_________________
Life = 0

SBHE
CNYOA6

Spoiler:


Spoiler:

JROTC RESEARCH LINKS I DON'T WANT TO LOOSE

http://www.nctc.gov/site/groups/greek.html
Government website terrorist overview thingie

http://www.terrorism.com/2014/04/26/sect-of-revolutionaries/
SE Threat overview

http://fas.org/irp/world/para/17_nov.htm
Summary

http://kersplebedeb.com/posts/sect-of-revolutionaries-communique-from-greece/
SE explanation quote article

http://www.indymedia.org.uk/en/2009/09/437169.html?c=on
Quote research - forum discussion

http://www.state.gov/r/pa/prs/ps/2011/02/157060.htm
US State Government Declaration of International Terrorism Threat

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008_Greek_riots
2008 Greek Riot Research: causation: Cop kills 15 year old student

Syil Tiaki Jojo Leon

avatar
Niniami
Assistant Admin

Posts : 17580
Join date : 2012-01-23
Age : 20
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Re: ~Nightgale~

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